Friday Funny: Crass Bumper Sticker Finally Coughs Up its Traffic Data

The satirical news website The Onion imagines a world in which millions of drivers have actually taken the invitation of a crass bumper sticker seriously.

The bumper sticker is the infamous and familiar "How's My Driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

The bumper sticker's not-so-subtle message is that the driver cares not for your opinion of their driving, which is probably unsafe and dangerous to everyone in the area, including the driver.

In The Onion's world, 1-800-EAT-SHIT has actually been collecting data since its debut in 1987.

“These documents catalogue millions of reported moving violations from the sticker’s debut in 1987 and provide valuable information that hopefully will help keep everyone safer on the road,” said head researcher Lydia Cattalone, explaining that the reports based on the hotline calls, breaking down the frequency with which motorists forgot to signal, sped through toll booths, and cut other drivers off over a 30-year period, could potentially decrease automobile deaths by up to 15 percent. 

In reality, traffic fatalities are on the rise and no one seems to be doing much about it.