Friday Funny: Sarcastic Responses to Honolulu's 'Distracted Walking' Ban

The Onion's always-sardonic "American Voices" feature allows some totally fake people to respond to Honolulu's recent decision to make it illegal to text while crossing the street on foot.

1 minute read

August 4, 2017, 6:00 AM PDT

By James Brasuell @CasualBrasuell


Eating and Driving

Kritsada Namborisut / Shutterstock

As Planetizen noted in July, the city of Honolulu made news recently by approving a law that will fine pedestrian scofflaws for the crime of texting while crossing the street. Fines will range from $15 to $99, depending on how many times offenders have run afoul of the law.

"American Voices," a regular feature on the satirical and devotedly fake news site The Onion, took notice and allowed its regular cast of characters a chance to respond to the new law. The (actually) fake person Bethany Floyd, a photo booth cleaner, had this to say about the idea that is now illegal in Honolulu to text while crossing the street: "That's ok. I do most of my texting while driving anyway."

There are more reactions included in the article.

For a much more serious, though indirect, response to the law's approach to traffic safety, see an article by Angie Schmitt published this week. "To get a sense of the real sources of risk for people on foot, it helps to look at where fatal crashes happen, because fatality rates have a very strong geographic component," writes Schmitt. "That’s true both within cities — where fatalities tend to be concentrated on a relative small share of streets — and from city to city."

Tuesday, August 1, 2017 in The Onion

portrait of professional woman

I love the variety of courses, many practical, and all richly illustrated. They have inspired many ideas that I've applied in practice, and in my own teaching. Mary G., Urban Planner

I love the variety of courses, many practical, and all richly illustrated. They have inspired many ideas that I've applied in practice, and in my own teaching.

Mary G., Urban Planner

Get top-rated, practical training

Red 1972 Ford Pinto with black racing stripes on display with man sitting in driver's seat.

Analysis: Cybertruck Fatality Rate Far Exceeds That of Ford Pinto

The Tesla Cybertruck was recalled seven times last year.

July 2, 2025 - Mother Jones

Close-up of park ranger in green jacket and khaki hat looking out at Bryce Canyon National Park red rock formations.

National Parks Layoffs Will Cause Communities to Lose Billions

Thousands of essential park workers were laid off this week, just before the busy spring break season.

February 18, 2025 - National Parks Traveler

Paved walking path next to canal in The Woodlands, Texas with office buildings in background.

Retro-silient?: America’s First “Eco-burb,” The Woodlands Turns 50

A master-planned community north of Houston offers lessons on green infrastructure and resilient design, but falls short of its founder’s lofty affordability and walkability goals.

February 19, 2025 - Greg Flisram

Screenshot of shade map of Buffalo, New York with legend.

Test News Post 1

This is a summary

0 seconds ago - 2TheAdvocate.com

Red 1972 Ford Pinto with black racing stripes on display with man sitting in driver's seat.

Analysis: Cybertruck Fatality Rate Far Exceeds That of Ford Pinto

The Tesla Cybertruck was recalled seven times last year.

18 minutes ago - Mother Jones

test alt text

Test News Headline 46

Test for the image on the front page.

March 5 - Cleantech blog